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Subject: Ledge.
Replies: 5 Views: 864
mort 27.02.08 - 03:36pm
200 feet up, on a window ledge. Looking down on the town puts your nerves on edge. You've passed the point now, of no returning, your pulse is quickening, your stomach is churning. Your heartbeat pounds, as you glance around, you hope to die before you hit the ground, and which way are you going? To heaven, or hell? What fate will befall your mortal shell? (Continues...) *
mort 27.02.08 - 03:42pm
(Continued.)
The remains of your body and brains will be stains- until you're rinsed by the rain into nearby drains. Your scr*ps of meat, Will flow below the street to congeal, form a meal for the rats to eat... You, hate the idea of your body being dined, you begin to climb down cause you've changed your mind... But your shoe's are worn... You lose your grip... The rats lick their lips, as you begin to slip. *
eizzy 28.02.08 - 07:50am
LMAO! oh the ic irony of life!! second tym lucky i guess, cuz i like dis one 2! i must ave talent! lol...i think tho that u shudnt use d word your too many times, cut dwn on wrdz like dat cuz n i think it'd make ur flo stronger...u just need 2 use words like i n your once and we'll get the idea n know who u talkin abt in the rest of the poem... *
eizzy 28.02.08 - 07:59am
i think it wud sound stronger if it went like::: You've passed the point now, of no returning: pulse is quickening, stomach is churning. heartbeat pounds, as you glance around, hoping to die before you hit the ground, not knowing which way are you going...
whatchu think? *
mort 28.02.08 - 10:08am
I think you're right. It does concentrate the lines, and improves the flow too. I never even thought to edit it to make it stronger, what you see is exactly how i scribbled it in my notebook. Thanks for the idea's, they really do work well. *
eizzy 28.02.08 - 10:36am
ur welcome, i'm a lit student so it comes naturaly hahahah! *
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